


Nothing to Apologise For (except saying goodbye)

by blowouttheflame (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, F/M, Fluff, Lots of Angst, M/M, Phan - Freeform, also, i wrote this at like 3am or something so, it's literally just angst ok, it's pretty short, its only just above 1k so whilst it's not technically Drabble that's what I'm gonna tag it as anyway, theres a little bit of, though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:42:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8946238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/blowouttheflame
Summary: Dan moved out, and now he looks back regretfully, because he didn’t realise what he had until he lost it. (And maybe he had love)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Look I wrote this at 3am ok, please don't hate me  
> Also I think there are a couple of formatting errors where there should be italics? But I'll get that fixed as soon as I can. (i.e. when I'm not posting from my phone)

The hazy morning light comes streaming in, dappling the soft skin of my arms. I sigh, breathe in and out slowly. Looking through the gap in the curtains, I realise it’s a beautiful morning, something you don’t exactly get to say much in England, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want this moment to last forever. If I said I was ready to face what I’d done. Blue eyes and black hair flash through my mind, but I push them back. No. Not right now. I hear a soft sigh from beside me, and the bedframe creaks as I turn to face the person lying next to me.  
Azure eyes flutter open, and I smile across at her mournfully. She’s pretty, and the attraction’s definitely there, but can I honestly say that it’s not just her soft lips, blue eyes and sweet face, so similar to yours, that draw me to her? It pains me to admit that your similarities may be the only things that keep me here. Well, apart from the fact that I don’t really have another place to live any more, not after you pushed me out, that too-bright fake smile frozen on your face as you told me to go, to be happy. Except you didn’t want me to be happy at all. Not with her, anyway. It was all there in your face, dead eyes holding back the tears that you didn’t trust me enough to let me see any more, and the way you hugged me for the last time, stiffly, as if we were strangers. As if we always had been. I wanted you so much then. I wanted to draw you close, let you cry into my shoulder until you had no tears left to cry, then kiss your sweet lips, normally so quick to curve into a smile, till your eyes were dry. But I’d already made my choice -her- and it was too late to change that now. Or at least, that was what my stupid pride told me.  
I look at her now, and I only see you. Once I thought she was perfect for me, but after a few months of this it’s only become even more painfully clear how much like you she is. From the obvious things, like the shape of her soft lips, to the tiniest things, things anyone would miss if they didn’t know you like I do. The way her eyes sparkle when she gets excited about the strangest things, to the cute way she pokes her tongue through her teeth when she smiles. I thought this was perfection, but perfection is you, you, you…  
I still try to kid myself into believing it was your fault, but the blame really lies on my own shoulders. We wanted different things, you see. You wanted to keep the easy relationship we had: warm cuddles on the sofa when one of us came back late at night; waking up beside each other every morning, and scattering little kisses throughout the day. Nothing further. I hated you for it at the time: I wanted more; I found it hard to resist pushing you back against the wall and sucking and biting at your neck until everyone would be able to look and see you were mine; to fight against the urge to whisper dirty words into your ear at night when I lay pressed up against you, seemingly charged with electricity and an unfamiliar hunger. But you refused me that. You said you didn’t want to rush into anything, didn’t want me to do anything I’d regret. Funny how I always manage to do that anyway, in the end, isn’t it? Because I was selfish, and I didn’t want to wait for you. Because I wanted more than you wanted to give, and so I found someone else.  
So, how did we meet? I first laid eyes on her in Starbucks, in one of life’s twisted attempts at irony. She had looked up at me from her table next to the frozen window, and from the moment her swirling eyes met mine, I was hypnotized, unable to look away. We spent long days together, going out on spontaneous little dates, sharing daring little kisses when we thought no-one was watching, holding hands. So many days that I’ve spent with her, when I could have been with you. Hell, I even missed your birthday to take her to some stupid kid’s amusement park or something. I expect that’s the last birthday I’ll ever have the chance to share with you, and I’m so, so sorry. All the while you were growing more and more closed off from me, and I didn’t even notice, too infatuated with the wrong person, blinded by what I had with her that I killed my chance of having with you. The fans noticed though. Smart, talented people, our fans, and we’re lucky to have them, but they were the first to put two and two together, as they watched us drift further and further apart. When we stopped talking about each other, stopped appearing in each other’s videos, sure there was outcry, but everyone else had figured it out before we did. We weren’t ‘danandphil’ anymore, we were Dan Howell and Phil Lester, two apparently now very separate people, with ever-more separate lives.  
And then you looked up from your laptop. “Dan,” you began quietly, and I could already tell what you were going to say, “you’ve found someone else.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, and I didn’t challenge it. However much I expected the next bit, though, I think it hit me harder than I ever could have anticipated. “I don’t think you belong here anymore.”  
Nononononono. This couldn’t be happening, it couldn’t, but it was already far too late to fix this, and it was all my fault.  
***  
My phone was flooded with notifications after I posted that video. Messages from friends and family, tweets from concerned fans. ‘Goodbye Internet’ was a short one, and almost as void of emotion as the broken relationship between you and me. Everyone wanted to know why, Dan, why? But how could I reply when I didn’t know the answer myself?  
So now I lie here beside a girl I am slowly realising I hardly know, trying so hard not to think of you as I touch my mouth to hers, but it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her, my mind flashes to your perfect face. The way you used to smile against my lips when I woke you up with a kiss.  
There are times for forgiving and times for forgetting, I guess, but I’m not sure this is either of those. Even if it was it’s not my choice to make.  
Sure, I began trying to convince myself I have nothing to apologise for, but really I have everything. She’s not right for me, Phil, she’s just a dulled down, monochrome you, and of course it was really you that I wanted all along. So, with all my heart (and it still belongs to you) I’m sorry. For rushing you when you knew what was best for both of us all along. For leaving you, when God only knows we needed each other the most. But most of all, for not seeing what was right in front of my nose.  
Sure, sorry is an empty word, but I don’t know what else to give, because you are my everything, and without you I have nothing but regret to share.  
I love you.  
I'm sorry I said goodbye.


End file.
